Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
