Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
