If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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