i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
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Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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