a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
