Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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