I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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