I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
