I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
