Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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