Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
