I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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