Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
