21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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