I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
