When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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