i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
