You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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