Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
