I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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