I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I just want nice things and good sex
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
