I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
