The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
