Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
