I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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