Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
