then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
