best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
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he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'