the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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