I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
