Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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