He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
