My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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