that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
