i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Drunk is not a location!
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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