Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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