You can't motorboat a personality
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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