it hurts more in the daytime
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
