$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
How's work?
Spinning.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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