you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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