I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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