At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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