Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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