I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
