I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
