when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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