At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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