Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I understand Curling. That high.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I didn't notice because vodka
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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