I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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