dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The air taste purple.
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