Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
