had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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