I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
