I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
