It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
